Taking and Giving Criticism

Our perspective determines how we interpret things; and how we interpret things determines the impact we have on others and the impact they have on us.

What’s the difference between a critical comment that feels like a kick in the gut and the right of one person to set boundaries (via a critical comment) regarding what she will and will not allow to be said in her presence?

I once heard Maya Angelou telling a story about a party she hosted in her home. As people do at parties, the guests were mingling and chatting. Small groups had formed throughout the house and several mini conversations were taking place. Ms. Angelou overheard a comment said in one of the conversations several groups away from where she stood. I can’t remember what the actual comment was, but it was something that crossed one of Ms. Angelou’s personal boundaries. She immediately interjected, calling out over the crowd: “Not in my home!” She then asked the guest to leave.

I have always admired this story for several reasons:

• There was no discussion: no explanation, no defense, no back pedaling. Ms. Angelou’s boundaries, based on her core values, are rock solid – no holes for “exceptions”.
• It was a statement about herself; she never talked bad about the person, never put labels on him or her, and never made any implication that the speaker was in any way “wrong” or “bad”.
• Ms. Angelou demonstrated the kind of authenticity I aim for in my own interactions with others. This story serves as a powerful and positive role model for me.

What would my interpretation of that story be, however, if I had heard the other person’s version? Unfair, perhaps, because he or she didn’t have the opportunity to explain the comment? Sympathy, perhaps, because Ms. Angelou “misunderstood”? I don’t know, but I do know that I believe that we all have a right, and ultimately, a responsibility, to call others out when things are said in our presence that hurt our feelings or offend our core values.

First of all, most of us never get the guts to stand up and defend our boundaries. Instead, we slither away silently until we are with like-minded comrades and then we join forces to bash both the comment(s) and the speaker.

But if we do ever speak out and say our own version of “Not in my home!” we are guaranteed an elaborate conversation that involves explanations, defenses, more personal stories, and most likely, more hurt feelings.

Should Ms. Angelou have called the speaker out privately instead of publically as she did? Both yes and no are valid answers:

Yes, privately would have been more appropriate:

Privately doing this would have protected the speaker’s embarrassment.

No, publically was more appropriate:

The issues of “absolute honesty” and “authenticity” were illuminated for everyone present. Personally, I think this is rather profound.

Whether you agree with Ms. Angelou’s “style” or not, the point I want to punctuate is that we do have the right to tell someone when their stories and examples are offensive to us, and equally valid, I believe we have a responsibility to do so. The problem, of course, is that such vulnerable honesty usually produces more hurt feelings and is certainly not what is intended, not by either person!

So I put myself in the place of the speaker. Ouch! Yes, I would probably first be embarrassed, second, angry, and third, frustrated and defensive because it would feel like my honesty has to be sacrificed for the sake of the honesty and/or feelings of the person calling me out. What makes the feelings of the “defender of boundaries” more important than my feelings?

How do we overcome this?

Criticisms hurt. Here is my suggestion: my challenge to you today is to consider criticisms you have received and to step back – not away, back – and look at the bigger picture. It is not really possible to be truly objective, but try. Step back, lick your wounds, and then take in the bird’s eye view of circumstances surrounding the criticism. Next, ask yourself: 1) what are my core values? 2) How can I honestly express myself regarding whatever the criticism was about within the limits of my own core values? and 3) how can I be both authentically me and respectful of others in my environment?

Maybe the speaker in Ms. Angelou’s home was not wrong (remember, Ms. Angelou never accused the speaker of being “wrong”), but because it is so easy to speak offensively without even realizing it, take the criticisms you receive as an opportunity to check your comments and be sure they are securely aligned with your core values and the absolute truth you believe in your heart. If you determine that the criticism was valid, simply adjust your speech so it better reflects who you are; if you determine that the criticism was not valid, then let it go and carry on.

Whatever it is worth, take this post today as an opportunity to do some internal reflection.

Honestly??

The word “honestly”, followed by the word “child”, was used by my mother all through my childhood and adolescence as an expression of exasperated frustration. It was a derogatory remark that meant, “I can’t believe you just said/did that” and “you have disappointed me; inconvenienced me; caused me interruptions, etc… Other similar exclamations include “Oh, for crying out loud!” and “Good grief!” Note that she emphasized the first syllable with the strongest intonation, the second syllable slightly less, and the “ly” as a trailer. Punctuation would be a strong period:

HON – Est – ly .

I haven’t heard the word “honestly” used in that context for many years. Then, just the other day, I overheard my daughter’s friend telling stories and the word “honestly” punctuated every event in the stories’ sequences. The only difference was in the syllabic emphasis. My daughter’s friend spat out the word like this: hon-est-LY? You would have to punctuate her exclamation with a question mark as opposed to the period at the end of my mother’s usage.

The friend’s monologue sounded something like this:

So I go to the refrigerator and open the door, and hon-est-LY? Oh, my God, there is nothing in there! hon-est-LY?

… and she wanted ME to unload her car while she was on the phone with her boyfriend.

hon-est-LY?

I can’t believe it’s going to, like RAIN tomorrow.

hon-est-LY?

For a long time, I’ve associated the word “honestly” with its dictionary meaning: marked by or displaying integrity; upright; not deceptive or fraudulent; genuine; truthful; sincere; of good repute…” (American Heritage College Dictionary). But I kind of like this trendy use and have vowed to put it into my own daily story-telling:

My daughter posted on my facebook wall at 2am

with a list of things she wanted me to buy at the grocery store.

hon-est-LY?

And yeah, I’m going to start eavesdropping around campus to see if I can hear it more to determine if it was just one young woman’s way of using speech, or if it is, in fact, a new trend.

Yes, HON – Est – ly . Child!

Journal or Diary: What’s the Difference?

I have a very different feeling about a journal than I do a diary. My attitude toward a diary is resistant, whereas my attitude toward a journal is an open-arm welcome and an all-inclusive embrace. So what’s the difference? Many people use these two words as if they are synonyms, so I decided to first check out the dictionary. According to the American Heritage College Dictionary, a journal is “a personal record of occurrences, experiences, and reflections kept on a regular basis; a diary.” Hmmm, OK. According to the same dictionary, a diary is “a daily record, especially a personal record of events, experiences, and observations.”

Well, I take this to mean that the dictionary has now given me the freedom to create my own definitions that distinguish the two. J I realize that I have my own emotional connection to semantics… well, don’t we all? So yeah, the following distinction is purely emotional, and it begins with the fact that I have a personal connection to a journal and a personal disconnection to a diary.

I believe that a diary is a chronological record of events and experiences. These records may also include personal reactions to those events and experiences. A diary is also a rite of passage for a young girl as she teeters at the threshold between girlhood and womanhood. Finally, a diary covets privacy, thus the popularity of brightly bound diaries with locks and keys marketed at teenage girls.

My disconnect with a diary is due to many failed attempts when I was a young girl. I knew I was writing stupid, insignificant, and incoherent thoughts in my diary and I was horrified at the thought of someone finding it someday and actually reading it. I wrote instead in a spiral notebook at school between the pages of school notes and assignments. Those musings were equally immature, but they were spontaneous, authentic, and creative.

This leads me to my definition of a journal. A journal, on the other hand, is all that a diary is, and more. The term more is the key. A journal is not just an adolescent rite of passage, but a bridge across every change we make at any age (rather, at all ages). A journal can certainly hold the record of our life’s events and experiences and our reactions to those moments in our lives, but I believe that a journal draws us even closer and deeper into our reactions. My spiral notebooks were full of the “why” questions and exploratory search for possible answers. My diary, however, had too many “Dear Diary…” starts that went nowhere. A journal draws us into reflective responses to all that we see and think and do.

While deeper reflections mean that the content in a journal is perhaps our most private expressions of our lives, a journal does not conjure up the image of secrecy that a diary does. The fact that my notebooks had no pre-fab lock and key on the front made me vulnerable to potential discovery. I got past it; I learned that the risk of being found out was worth the rewards of finding myself.

All these years later, I still turn up my nose at a diary, but am compelled to keep a journal at all costs (you know, scribbling during meetings, at stop lights, during the sermon at church, while standing in line somewhere…)

So what is the difference between a diary and a journal? Technically, I guess there is no difference at all, but personally, the difference is huge: diary writing is a chore; journaling is the key to my sanity and my life’s journey.

Why Journal: Five Good Reasons

Some people are writers; others are talkers. My friend, Kim, for example, calls to “process”. She just has to talk out whatever it is that is on her mind. I don’t really have to say anything; I certainly don’t feel any pressure to “fix” whatever her quandary is; I just have to be there for her as she talks. She talks, and talks, and talks… and when she’s done, she knows exactly what she needs to do. Not me. I answer my own questions via writing.

It has to do with how we get our energy. Meyers – Briggs refers to extroverts and introverts saying that extroverts are energized by output – expressing themselves to others; introverts on the other hand, are energized by time alone. Writers focus energy inward whereas talkers focus their energy outward.

My contention is that although we tend toward one or the other, we all have some of both in us. Therefore, no matter whether you think of yourself as a writer or not, there is valuable significance to the process of writing. Even if you prefer to talk, you will benefit from journaling. And if you don’t find it very easy to talk openly about stuff but also don’t think you are a writer, I say, give it a try. Once you give in to the safety of writing, you will discover that you have more to say than time to say it! You may also discover that writing is easy and surprisingly rewarding. You may even discover that you love it. At the very least, you will discover you.

In the beginning however, you may feel awkward and you may not know what to write. Do it anyway. Stick with it. My reasoning follows. There are many advantages and rewards to journaling. The five top reasons I have to encourage you to journal are: 1) clear your thinking; 2) solve problems and make decisions; 3) vent; 4) dream; and 5) be.

Clear your Thinking

Writing will take all that jumbled up stuff in your head and line it up clearly for you to look at. You can get an objective perspective of your thoughts (i.e., the stuff going on in your life) by writing it out. Think of it as a head-cleansing. You know how exhilarating it is to take a good, long shower; you feel renewed by being clean. A colon cleanse or an enema will do the same thing – make you feel relieved and cleaned out inside. Well, writing does the same thing for your head. Like a sudden rainstorm I the summer that moves the stagnant hair and brings new energy when the sun returns and everyone comes back out of their houses, writing in a journal gives that same renewed, fresh energy to your whole environment. No matter how you write, the result is that you sort out the things in your head and the result of that is a wonderful renewal.

Solve Problems and Make Decisions

Clearer thinking leads to new insights in problem-solving. Writing in a journal is a thinking process that helps you make decisions. When you write, things appear on the page that you never knew were inside of you. Answers come.

Vent

The other day I was standing in the checkout at Wal-Mart and saw a child throwing a fit. She was crying very loudly and pulling away from her mother. She was angry because the things in her world just weren’t going the way she’d intended them to go. I thought to myself, I know exactly how she feels! For a moment, I fantasized how it would be if I could just kick and scream like that in public. Hmmmm.

Anyway, as adults we can’t get away with that. What we do instead is vent. We vent to our friends, family members, co-workers, and even to strangers. And it’s not pretty. If you do that very often, you become known as a negative, toxic force that no one wants to be around. Venting is ugly and it is an imposition to those caught in your path. I could go on and on about all the things that are “wrong” with venting, but the truth is that venting is also very important. It is not possible to think good things all the time. “Shit happens” as we say, and as a result, we have negative, nasty thoughts at times. Yes, we do feel just like that child I saw in Wal-Mart. It is inevitable. If you vent in a journal however, and contain yourself in public, you do not risk offending anyone and yet, you get to say all those great comebacks that you can never think of at the time of an encounter.

When you are finished venting in your journal, you are ready to go back into the world with a genuine smile on your face. There is a time for everything, even venting. Venting belongs in a journal, not in Wal-Mart.

Dream

When I was younger, I believed that all my dreams could and would come true. As I’ve come into myself as a middle-aged woman however, I’ve come to realize that some dreams will never be made manifest in my life. To quote my dear friend Randy, “I’m used to disappointment.” In fact, I think I’ve become an expert at balancing all the disappointments in life with hope.

I attribute that to the recording of my dreams in my journals. I am not talking about the visions we see when we are sleeping – I record those, too. I am talking about the desires we have for our lives. By writing out the dreams you have for your life, you are able to move through life more closely attuned to intention. I may never have all the money to fulfill my philanthropic dreams, for example, but because I write them out in my journals, my giving spirit is more spontaneous than I would be otherwise and I am able to recognize small opportunities in my daily living to be the kind of person I dream of being.

When you write out your dreams, you align both your conscious and sub-conscious thinking with your intentions and you will find that your actions move you closer to your dreams.

I think also helps with self awareness and self acceptance because you appreciate your efforts and you recognize the value of your choices.

Be

Journaling gives you time with you. We are so trained by society to be doers that we have lost the ability to simply be. Being is absolutely necessary and yet, so many of us don’t know how to do that. When you write in a journal, you are practicing the act of simply being.